Free Translation - It's so easy to not understand ...

My daughter (one of my favorite persons) and I (using my favorite wig)

Slowly back to normal after chemotherapy. I have infusions every three weeks with minimal side effects. I only experience some nausea and cold symptoms during the first couple of days. I lost 7 of my 10 fingernails, but my hair is growing back.

 

Hair growth about 8 weeks post chemo

My 8 year old daughter is super happy about it. A few days ago she was gently stroking my head and said: "I am very excited Mom, your hair is growing. I thought you were going to leave me." I looked at my husband with a mix of frustration and compassion. Because after all…after all the conversations, the books and the pictures of bald chemo patients, our little girl still thinks that my health condition depends on whether or not I have hair. But I saw myself reflected in her ingenuousness. It is so easy to not understand. It is so easy to miss what is really important.

"They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces of bread and fish. The number of the men who had eaten was five thousand. Immediately Jesus made his disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd.” (Mark 6: 42-45, NIV)

"but when they saw him walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost. They cried out, because they all saw him and were terrified. Immediately he spoke to them and said, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed, for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened.” (Mark 6:49-52, NIV)

This chapter of the Gospel according to Mark presents two miracles: Jesus feeding the five thousand and Jesus walking on the water. Neither the disciples, nor the crowd understood the miracle of the loaves. They thought that Jesus would be a perfect king. They wanted a prosperous kingdom, someone capable of giving them the daily bread. They did not understand that the real miracle was that Jesus was the bread of life, the bread from heaven.

The miracle of walking on water was an extension of the same teaching. Jesus certainly had authority over the elements of nature and power to challenge the laws of physics and fluid mechanics. But the real miracle was His Presence. The "I Am" in the midst of a headwind. They would not have confused the presence of Jesus with a ghost if they have understood that Jesus was the Bread.

 

But it is so easy to not understand. It is so easy to feel relief based on the wrong reasons. The greatest miracle is not healing, provision, an answered prayer, an easy life, or a problem solved. The miracle is that Jesus is the Bread of life and whoever comes to him will never go hungry (John 6:35). The miracle is His Presence. That a mighty and holy God is present in the darkest night of the soul and when the oceans rise to say “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid”.

May the Lord help us to understand the true miracle. May we long for Jesus more than we do for some baskets full of bread. May the assurance of His presence be enough even if the wind has not died down.

 

Becky

 

All rights reserved. Rebecca Parrilla, August/2015

Free translation - What's Next - Life after Chemotherapy

Thanks God I finished my chemotherapy treatment. I will share later some details of God’s tender loving care for us during these past months. Many people have been asking what‘s the next step. Well… I’m learning that the treatment of metastatic breast cancer (Stage IV) is a little bit different. The goal is to control the disease and at the same time to maintain the quality of life of patients. So, this varies from person to person. Even when I finished this cycle of chemotherapy I will continue indefinitely with other therapies. In my case, I’ll be receiving targeted therapies which are also administered by infusion as the chemotherapy drugs. Every few months I will have physical exams and tests to see if the cancer is responding to the treatment or if the cancer is progressing and I need to switch to a different drug. Other therapies such as radiation or surgery are also available.

What is my greatest crisis with this new reality?
I feel that my life has a big asterisk with a footnote that states: “subject to change”. For someone like me who love planning this is a crisis of major proportions. But, my life (and everyone else’s life) already had that asterisk before the cancer diagnosis. James 4:14-16 (NIV) states: “you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil.” There is nothing wrong with planning for the future but we need a heart that is completely aware of our total dependence on God. What we think of our plans and our life matters; and we may glorify God with it or not. We depend on God for the extraordinary things and for ordinary ones too.

What is my greatest source of comfort?

I don’t need to have it all figured out. It's okay to not have it all together. It’s okay if I just don’t know how to handle this situation. I always knew that Christ died in my place; he died as a substitute for sinners. But I recently began to realize in a more profound way that he also lived a perfect life in my place. This has become a great source of comfort. There are days when I don’t carry my cross as I should. There are days when I don’t know and don’t want to live with metastatic breast cancer. We all have something we just don’t know how to handle. But we can always approach God’s throne of grace with confidence and receive mercy and find grace (Hebrews 4:16) because Christ lived perfectly on our behalf. He was tempted in every way just as we are yet he didn’t sin.  That’s why he is able to empathize with our weaknesses. There is grace for our good days and there is grace for the bad days too.

What is my greatest challenge?

To let God’s promises for the future influence my present. At the tomb of Lazarus (John 11: 21-26):

“Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”

Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.”

Martha answered, “I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.”

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”

Marta looked forward to God’s promises for the future but she was not able to find immediate relief. Not only because the tomb and the bad odor of death (because Lazarus had been there four days by Jesus’s arrival) were so distracting,  but because she still didn’t understand who Jesus was. Therefore, before revealing his power Jesus revealed himself and said: "I am". Jesus let her know that he was not only able to ask the Father for resurrection and life for Lazarus, but that he was all those things indeed. He was the champion over death; he was the Messiah; he was the life that Lazarus being dead needed and also the life that Marta being alive needed so badly. Is not enough to know what God can do in the future; is not enough to see the power of God revealed. What we need is the "I Am", who overcame sin and death, to be revealed to us today. We need the “I am” to influence our “here and now” even if we are facing the "grave and the bad odor of death."

Thanks for lifting us in prayer and for your extravagant love during these past months. Our hope is in the Lord. You can follow me on Instagram (@becksparrilla) or Twitter (@beckyparrilla).

 

 

Becky

 

All rights reserved. Rebecca Parrilla July/2015

Meditaciones de Fe - Efectos Secundarios (Parte Final) - Efecto Acumulativo

La vida sigue...verano, escuela bíblica de vacaciones, citas médicas, diversión
Life goes on...summer, vacation bible school, medical appointments, fun

6 tratamientos/6 rounds of treatment

 

Go to English version

Esta reflexión fue escrita para el Blog de la Iglesia AMEC: Casa de Alabanza, Canóvanas, PR (www.ameecda.org)

La quimioterapia tiene un efecto acumulativo. Por esa razón algunos efectos secundarios empeoran con cada ciclo. También es posible que algunos síntomas permanezcan por un periodo de tiempo aunque se haya descontinuado un medicamento. De igual forma, el evangelio debe tener un efecto acumulativo.

“²⁶ Aquéllos fueron a ver a Juan (El Bautista) y le dijeron:—Rabí, fíjate, el que estaba contigo al otro lado del Jordán, y de quien tú diste testimonio, ahora está bautizando, y todos acuden a él.²⁷ —Nadie puede recibir nada a menos que Dios se lo conceda —les respondió Juan—. ²⁸ Ustedes me son testigos de que dije: “Yo no soy el Cristo, sino que he sido enviado delante de él.” ²⁹ El que tiene a la novia es el novio. Pero el amigo del novio, que está a su lado y lo escucha, se llena de alegría cuando oye la voz del novio. Ésa es la alegría que me inunda. ³⁰ A él le toca crecer, y a mí menguar.” (Juan 3:26-30, NVI)

¿Cómo se llega a esa aseveración? ¿Quiénes son los que dicen: “A él le toca crecer y a mí menguar?

1. Los que saben que el plan de Dios es que Jesús ocupe el centro. Juan el Bautista le decía a sus discípulos que no se preocuparan, que todo provenía de Dios y que lo que estaba ocurriendo era exactamente parte del plan. Cuando el evangelio tiene un efecto acumulativo podemos leer correctamente las circunstancias. En vez de competencia, planes frustrados, imposibilidades, caminos sin salida o  puertas cerradas vemos la gracia de Dios…no podemos recibir algo si El no lo concede. Vemos a Jesús ocupando el centro de importancia. Ese es el plan.
2. Los que escuchan y estiman Su voz por encima de las otras voces. Todos los días mi voz quiere competir con la voz de Jesús. La voz de mis miedos, la voz de mis deseos, la voz de mis prioridades, la voz de mis dudas, la voz de mi desesperación, la voz de mis angustias, la voz de mi auto-justicia, etc. Pero para que haya un efecto acumulativo tengo que escuchar y hallar deleite en escuchar Su voz por encima de mi voz. La voz de Dios es revelada en Su Palabra.
3. Los que saben que el gozo supremo es que El crezca y reciba la gloria. Yo tengo muchísimos deseos de vivir y cada día veo el rostro de 3 razones importantísimas para seguir aquí. Pero he sido confrontada con la realidad de que si sólo quiero vivir para mí y mi familia, por más noble y justo que parezca, no estoy experimentando los efectos secundarios del evangelio. El gozo supremo es vivir cuando Jesús crece y nosotros menguamos…aún cuando eso signifique tener cáncer.

Esta quimioterapia me dejó sin cabello, sin uñas, con un par de libras menos, y con unos cuantos dolores. Pero sobre todo me dejó un gran reto, si seré de los que viven diciendo: “A él le toca crecer, y a mí menguar”.

Les dejo con una de las canciones que más he cantado en estos últimos meses (por no decir a diario):

Jesús en el Centro
(Darlene Zschech/Israel Houghton)

El centro de todo eres Jesús
El centro de todo eres Jesús
Desde el principio y hasta el fin
Tú has sido y siempre serás Cristo, Cristo

Tú eres el centro
Nadie importa más que tú
Todo el universo
Gira en pos de ti Jesús
De ti Jesús

De mi ser hasta el cielo
Cristo se el centro
Mi vida eres tú
Sí mi vida eres tú

All rights reserved. Rebecca Parrilla (July/2015)

Free translation - Side Effects (Final Part) - Cumulative Effects

Chemotherapy has a cumulative effect. For that reason some side effects get worse as you go through your treatment. Other symptoms remain for a while after treatment stops. Likewise, the gospel must have a cumulative effect.

“They came to John and said to him, “Rabbi, that man who was with you on the other side of the Jordan—the one you testified about—look, he is baptizing, and everyone is going to him.” To this John replied, “A person can receive only what is given them from heaven. You yourselves can testify that I said, ‘I am not the Messiah but am sent ahead of him.’ The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom’s voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. He must become greater; I must become less” (John 3:26-30, NIV)

How do you get there? Who are the ones that are able to say, "He must become greater and I must become less”?

1. Those who know that God’s plan is for Jesus to be at the center. John the Baptist explained to his disciples that there was nothing to worry about, that everything came from heaven, that the plan was being fulfilled. When the gospel has a cumulative effect we can correctly interpret the circumstances. Instead of competition, frustrated plans, impossibilities, dead ends and closed doors we see the grace of God ... we can’t receive anything unless He grants it. We see Jesus occupying a central place. That's the plan.
2. Those who listen and value His voice more than other voices. Every day my voice wants to compete with the voice of Jesus. The voice of my fears, the voice of my desires, the voice of my priorities, the voice of my doubts, the voice of my impatience, the voice of my distress, the voice of my self-righteousness, etc. But the gospel has a cumulative effect if I listen and find delight in His voice above everything else. The voice of God is revealed in His Word.
3. Those who know that our supreme joy is for Him to become greater and get the glory. I really want to live for many years to come and every day when I see the faces of my husband and my kids I’m reminded of very important reasons to stay here. But I have been confronted. If I just want to live for myself and my family I’m not experiencing the side effects of the gospel. The ultimate joy is to live when Jesus is becoming greater and we are becoming less…even if this means having cancer.

This chemotherapy cycle left me with no hair, no nails, a few pounds less, and more aches. But it also left a big challenge, am I one of those that are able to say “He must become greater and I must become less”?

I leave you with one of my favorite songs this season: Jesus at the Center (Darlene Zschech/Israel Houghton)

 

All rights reserved. Rebecca Parrilla (July/2015)

Free Translation - Side Effects (Part 6) - Lessons Learned

Chemotherapy is a cycle. You feel bad for a few days; you get better and then get ready for next time. But in every cycle there are lessons learned that help you prepare better for the next time. Similarly, our hearts need to remember the lessons learned. We need to identify and meditate on the evidence of God's grace in our lives to cope with the new cycles. I’m sharing today a reflection that I wrote in January of this year and was originally published on 33dc Ministry Facebook page.

And there we were...on September 26, 2014...listening to the doctor telling us that our 3 years-old boy had gone into cardiac arrest, that he had a chronic lung disease, that it was severe. The doctor seemed surprised that our son’s heart was in a pretty good condition given the severity of his lung disease. We just needed a few seconds to understand three years of unanswered prayers. Three years asking in faith that our child could walk. But that day we understood that the exercise of walking without treating his lung condition first may have caused greater damage to this heart or may have cost him his life. There we were…with a “faith mystery” almost solved.

 

But it's not always like this. From this side we don’t always get all the pieces of the puzzle. We don’t always understand the mysteries of faith and prayer. Our problem is that we have too much faith in our "personal faith". We think that if we pray following a specific sequence, or if we use certain words, or if we shut our eyes really tight, or if we have "great faith", everything will be solved.

 

The emphasis of the Bible is not in the faith as an object. It is about Who is the object of our faith. Hebrews Chapter 11 is full of great examples of faith; then Chapter 12 gives us the application by presenting the greatest example of all. Hebrews 12:2 (NIV) says: "fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith ". In other words, we must fix our eyes on Jesus to be saved but we must keep looking Jesus to live the life of faith that reaches the goal.

 

The original word used for the word “fixing” means “to turn the eyes away from other things and fix them on something”. So to “fix” our eyes on Jesus we need to reject and we need to choose at the same time. Faith is giving up to what is circumstantial; to our plan A, B and C; to our methods; and to the confidence in us. Faith is choosing to look unto Jesus, only Jesus...our faith is valuable and powerful not because of ourselves, it is because of Jesus!

And here we are, still with "incomplete puzzles" but because of Jesus and his Cross we have seen the final picture that talks about victory and redemption. That’s why we are filled with joy and peace as we trust in Him. Here and every day we say: "I trust you", "My eyes are fixed on you", "I rest in your love," "I know you have a plan."

 

May the Lord help us to remember the lessons learned, so that we may receive with joy and peace the new cycles.

 

Becky

 

All rights reserved. Rebecca Parrilla. July/2015

 

Free translation - Side Effects (Part 5) - Neuropathy

Another reason for the dose adjustment in my chemo regimen was to treat the chemo-induced peripheral neuropathy. This is damage of peripheral nerve fibers that send sensory information to the central nervous system. Many other health conditions can cause this set of symptoms and different areas may be affected. I had numbing and tingling sensation of hands, increased sensitivity to cold, pain and leg cramping. The leg pain caught my attention because although my brain is receiving the signal that my legs are hurting when I touch them I don’t feel that this is where it really hurts. It is a pain “you can’t touch”. It is a problem of my nervous system.

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17: 9, NIV)

The context in which this verse is written shows us that one of the areas in which the heart deceives us the most is by making us believe that we are trusting in God when we really are not. We trust in ourselves, in others, in our health, in the money, in our abilities, in our plans, in our dreams, in our opinions, in our religion, etc. What is the result? Fears that "you can’t touch," pain that “you can’t touch”, bitterness that "you can’t touch" disappointment that "you can’t touch", frustration that “you can’t touch” and insecurities that “you can’t touch”.  A whole set of symptoms and you can’t pinpoint the root cause because it is a heart problem.

Christ came to deal with the condition of our heart. He is the mediator of a new covenant with better promises. The promise is:

"I will put my laws in their minds and write them on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people…they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest." (Hebrews 8: 10-11, NIV)

It is possible to have a heart in which the law of God is written instead of having a deceitful heart. Hebrews 13: 21 teaches that God may equip us with everything good for doing his will and that he may work in us what is pleasing to him, all of this through Jesus Christ. What a blessing! What a relief! God is not playing hide and seek. He is not playing riddles difficult to solve. He doesn’t want to put on our shoulders a heavy yoke. He wants to write his law on our heart. This means he also produces the desire and the willingness to obey it.  

There are situations in life that reveal in what or who our trust is built. When there are no back up plans and we are against the wall, the neuropathies of the heart are revealed. But there is healing and medicine through Christ. He is the enabler of better promises. The promise that he will prepare us to do his will. The promise that we are His and He is ours. The promise of a personal encounter with God.

Just as I needed a dose adjustment to treat my peripheral neuropathy, I need more of Christ to treat my deceitful heart.

Becky

 

 

All rights reserved. Rebecca Parrilla. June/2015

 

Free translation - Updates by a Pumpkin

I say that I "turned into a pumpkin" when I’m having the side effects of chemotherapy. The doctor adjusted the dose of one of the chemo drugs because I got nail toxicity as a side effect. Anyways, today I lost my first fingernail (I say first because I have symptoms with others as well). I must confess that this bothered me more than losing my hair.  I don’t know why. Maybe I’m getting tired of looking for the bright side of the chemotherapy. It is a pretty stinky stuff.  

But I thank God for His care and the tremendous love and support from those around me.

My dad sent me a picture of his nails to remind me that when he started his dialysis process he also lost his fingernails. But they grew back. So, this is just part of the process…and it will come to an end.

Some friends asked me if my head has not fallen off yet. They made me laugh and I remembered it could be worse.

My daughter tried to fix the situation with bright colors and her love.

 

I'm learning that we need to let ourselves be loved. I would have missed these expressions of love if I didn’t share with them what was happening to me. It's okay to be a “pumpkin” some days and it is a blessing to let ourselves be loved.

Becky

 

All rights reserved. Rebecca Parrillaa. June/2015

Free Translation - Side Effects (Part 4) - A Happy Medium

Cancer and food ... a never-ending story. There is so much information on the internet, so many theories, so many home remedies, and many contradictions. There are two main feelings I have about food since I got cancer. Sometimes, I wonder if by eating more green vegetables and by consuming less meat and sugar I would have avoided the cancer. But then I look at others and their food habits and conclude that I was not that bad myself. It is a dilemma. There is a similar struggle with other matters of Christian life.

On one side there is our obsession with performance. Is it all about praying more? Reading the Bible more? Going to church more? Do something more? Is this cancer related to my “Christian performance”? Then we go to the other side and think as the psalmist: “Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure and have washed my hands in innocence. All day long I have been afflicted, and every morning brings new punishments” (Psalm 73:13-14, NIV). Those who do worse than us seem to live better lives. There are others who definitely “deserve” the things that happen to us.

Where is the “happy medium”?

There is rest in the grace of God. Of course there are some commandments to follow. Of course there is an expectation that believers will bear fruit and live according to the gospel. But our biggest problem is that we think that it's all about what we can do. Sadly, the more "we progress" in the Lord, the Cross becomes a distant experience and our own efforts become more evident. But grace is to understand that everything comes from God, he made it all possible. We just need to start every day at that place where we remember and accept the perfect work that Christ did on our behalf. God is not waiting for the slightest provocation on our part to request we pay back. We could not pay him back. Christ paid it all. Grace looks too good to be true. Yes, it is too good and it is true. It is unquestionably divine, we didn’t do anything to deserve it because it is a gift from God.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 2: 8-9, NIV).

There is security by having a proper sense of eternity. Not always we will see here on earth a direct relationship between our actions and our reward. But those who draw near to the Lord as the psalmist did in Psalm 73 get a proper sense of eternity:

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"(Psalm 73: 25-26, NIV).

By having a sense of eternity we can rejoice in the life we already have, not in the life we would like to live. Because we know that this life is an evidence of God’s grace; because we can enjoy God here and now; and because we know that our greatest dreams and desires are guaranteed in the eternal glory that awaits us in heaven.

"Your faith and love have arisen from the hope laid up for you in heaven, which you have heard about in the message of truth, the gospel." (Colossians 1: 5, NET)

As I have reached a "happy medium" with food and now I'm eating more green vegetables and less sugar, my soul has reached a "gospel medium" between the Lord's grace and the hope of eternity.

 

Becky

 

All rights reserved.  Rebecca Parrilla. June/2015.

Free translation - Side Effects (Parte 3) - The Chemo Brain

The "chemo brain" is real. For years people with cancer have mentioned about the "mental cloudiness" they notice before, during or after cancer treatment. Although the exact causes are unknown, this mental fog is called "chemo brain". Some examples I've noticed are: forgetting things that I usually had no trouble recalling, difficulty remembering details, trouble concentrating (solving Sudoku is an unexpected challenge) and trouble doing more than one thing at a time. I suspect that I am describing a typical day for some people (ha,ha,ha), but I'm sorry to say that if you are not undergoing chemotherapy treatment, you can’t call it "chemo brain". However, the "gospel brain" must be real to everyone.

Romans 12:1-2 (NIV) says " Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will"

First, the "gospel brain" makes us focus on God and not on us. Any action from our part is the result of God's mercy. We are not the protagonists of the story. If our struggles, trials, successes, failures, dreams and goals are exclusively about us we are not experiencing the side effects of the gospel.

Second, our life should be an act of spiritual worship. This is not a sacrifice for our sins because Christ's sacrifice was sufficient. It is about displaying the mercy of God with our lives. This offering is not holy and pleasing to God because our lives are perfect or because our bodies are healthy. It is a holy and acceptable sacrifice if we offer every part of ourselves to him as an instrument of righteousness (Romans 6:13).

Third, our minds are the battle ground between being conformed to the pattern of this world and being transformed. It is “How do I think?” before “How do I feel?” The biggest fight against cancer is the daily struggle with thoughts that come with the cancer. The arrival is unexpected, varied and cruel. It's not always at the same time or in the same way but inevitably every day there is some thought that causes me trouble. We all have the same issue. Every day we are bombarded with the framework, the way of thinking of this world. "Do whatever you want", "the most important thing is to be happy", "it is all about yourself," "it is okay to do it as long as you don’t hurt someone" etc.

That battle is not won with positive thoughts or following a series of steps. That battle is won in one place and doing one thing: " And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit" (2 Corinthians 3:18, NIV). Jesus is the radiance of God’s glory.  By keeping our eyes on Jesus we are transformed into his image and renewed in our mind. But this transformation also comes from God through His Spirit.

There is no way that based on my own strength and with my "Becky brain" I can consider this cancer as something good, pleasing and perfect. There will always be a situation that we can hardly see as part of God's good, pleasing and perfect will. But the "gospel brain" says: focus on God’s mercy; surrender yourself to the glory of God; do not conform to the pattern of this world; keep your eyes on Jesus and be transformed by His Spirit.


Becky

All rights reserved. Rebecca Parrilla. June/2015

Free Translation - Side Effects (Part 2) - A Famous Sinner

Iron infusion to treat chemotherapy-induced anemia.
I'm also eating spinach and orange-carrot juice.

The consent form for my chemotherapy treatment doesn’t start with the side effects. The first thing is the diagnosis and the treatment. If we talk about the "gospel side effects" we must begin specifying the "disease" and "treatment".

A kid in the Sunday Bible class of my daughter told another kid that Julietta’s mother was a "famous sinner" meaning that she was a “famous singer”. When I was told I thought, "I hope not to be a famous one, but sinner I am."

Romans 3:23 (NIV) says, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God". We all have received a consent form saying that our disease is called sin, the prognosis is death and that treatment is Jesus. The problem is that deep down we don’t believe that we are that sick.

In recent weeks my daughter was studying about natural disasters. She asked us why God allowed natural disasters. We explained that God created everything perfect but due to the sin of Adam and Eve nature was affected. We added that our hope is that one day there will be a new heaven and a new earth. Then she said : "Thank you Adam and Eve ... thanks guys for ruining everything." I said, "Don’t be so hard, you and I would have done exactly the same in Eve’s place. In fact, whenever you disobey us you are doing just like Eve” (she didn’t like that).  But I must confess that I didn’t like the thought either. I don’t know Adam and Eve’s awareness of God's love, but I have no excuse. I already know that “… For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son." Christ is the most powerful, convincing and extreme display of God's love. But so often our way of life says that this gift was not a big deal. Many times our attitudes indicate that deep down we think that we deserved some of that love.

It happens whenever we don’t live a life of gratitude and contentment; whenever we don’t do what the Bible says; whenever we are not willing to forgive; whenever we don’t choose the right thing because we don’t want to sacrifice our comfort or "happiness”; or whenever we are reluctant to render ourselves unto God. We don’t do these things to win God’s favor because his mercy and grace are not based on our merits or performance. But the measure of our joy, obedience, willingness to forgive, decisions and beliefs will be proportional to our acknowledgment of what Christ did for us.

Christ is the "big deal" and NONE of us deserved that love. Nothing in us was worthy. Our situation was very serious. Romans 5:6-8 (NIV) says:  "You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us ". There is no cure until we come to terms with the disease.

If Christ dwells in our hearts sin no longer reigns in us. But sin never gives up. It always tries to sabotage our Christian life. Every day we must return to the Cross. Every day we must conclude that we did not deserve such love. That will change the perspective of our lives and how we relate to God and others.

Instead of obsessed with the "famous" we will be broken and contrite with the "sinner" part. Rather than resentful with the cancer (or any other situation) we will be grateful for the undeserved love of God. So my biggest problem is not cancer. My biggest problem was already diagnosed and resolved in a "consent form" signed with the blood of Christ on the Cross.


All rights reserved. Rebecca Parrilla. June/2015.

Free translation - Side Effects (Introduction)

"For the gospel is not just good news for people getting ready to die – it’s good news for people who are now ready to live" Scotty Smith

Because of my work I have read many informed consents. Informed consent is a process for getting permission before conducting a healthcare intervention on a person. You are told about the risks and benefits of other options; and you are able to use that information to make a decision that you think is in in your own best interest. This time I had in my hands the consent form for my chemotherapy treatment but I was not looking for all the elements required by law. I just went over the pages listing and explaining the side effects.

Every time I have a chemotherapy treatment I wonder how a few milliliters of a colorless solution have so much power. It has power to attack the bad and to affect the good. It has power to impact my concentration levels and my memory. It has power to change my eating habits. It has power to influence my daily activities and to determine my energy levels. It has power to change my physical appearance. My whole body, from head to toe, is being impacted by the side effects of chemotherapy.

Romans 1:16 says, "For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes." The gospel is more than information, more than a list of rules, more than a one-day event ... the gospel is power. So what I really wonder is whether or not I am experiencing the "side effects" of the gospel. Is this power destroying the evil and affecting the good? Is this power impacting my concentration levels and memory? Is this power changing my "eating habits"? Is this power determining my activities and my energy levels? Is my whole being subject to the intrinsic, essential and permanent power of the gospel?

Colossians 1: 6 (NLT) further adds "This same Good News that came to you is going out all over the world. It is bearing fruit everywhere by changing lives, just as it changed your lives from the day you first heard and understood the truth about God’s wonderful grace." The gospel produces change. The gospel has "side effects".

Please, accompany me these coming weeks to review some of the "side effects" of the gospel.


Becky

All rights reserved. Rebecca Parrilla. May/2015

Translation - The Life of the "Regardless"

We were on our way to the appointment with the oncologist to discuss the results of my biopsies (liver and lymph nodes).

- "Are you afraid?" asked my husband Fernan

- "No, but I'm anxious because I wanna know already", I answered.

- "We will believe what the Lord has said regardless of today’s outcome" he replied.
 

The pathology report confirmed that the cancer had spread to my axillary node and the liver. On March 17, 2015, I was diagnosed with "metastatic breast cancer". I am part of a “not-that-common group” that is "Stage IV" since initial diagnosis. I want to clarify that according to the doctors, my condition is not curable, but it is treatable. In other words, I'm not in a terminal stage. Currently, many women live with metastatic breast cancer for years as a chronic disease. So the goal of the treatment is to control the progress of the condition and in the best scenario, achieving remission. (This is my reality according to the medical opinion.)



This is the text message we sent to our family that day: "I am officially getting in the "miracles zone". I have metastatic HER2 positive breast cancer"...it spread to my liver and the lymph node...we are okay..we are believing God regardless." 

Why cancer? Because we are human,  we live in a fallen world, and we are not exempt from the effects of sin. From this side of eternity we will experience illnesses, losses and sorrow. The Bible advises about this repeatedly. The difference is the word that Fernan used that day, "regardless". We live, believe, worship, and walk in this world regardless of the circumstances, the logic, a diagnosis or a prognosis. It's not denial, it is not trust in us, and it is not positivism. It is the gospel. For example,

• To love and to be a blessing regardless of being treated unfairly (Matthew 5:38-47)
• To save our live regardless losing it for Christ’s sake and the gospel (Mark 8:35)
• To see the glory of God regardless of death (John 11:4)

But the life of the "regardless" is not initiated by us nor continued by us. We always want to live and act according to what we see and what we feel, it is an ongoing battle. The life of the "regardless” is only possible because this prophecy was fulfilled by Jesus. He came to:

"…provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor." (Isaiah 61:3)

Only through His sacrifice we can experience:

Beauty regardless of the ashes

Joy regardless of the mourning

Praise regardless of the spirit of despair

Righteousness regardless of our unrighteousness

The life of the "regardless" is possible through Jesus. His sacrifice is evidence that we are not wild trees, we are the planting of the Lord. His finished work on the Cross makes us trees of righteousness. And at the end everything is for the glory of God.

I do not know exactly the what, the how and the when of this cancer. But while I’m waiting I want to live the life of the “regardless”...

This is the last reflection of this series of the management of distress. Thanks for joining me and loving me with the love of Christ. I leave you with one of my favorite verses from this season: "The LORD IS GOOD, a REFUGE in times of trouble. HE CARES for those who trust in him." (Nahum 1: 7, NIV)

 Becky

 

All rights reserved. Rebecca Parrilla, April/2015

 

Translation - And Along Came My Anger

I was looking at the photo gallery of my smart phone. Although I do frequent backups, there are some pictures that I just don’t like to delete. And I found photos of a few days before, a week before, a month before, two months before, etc. And for the first time since my diagnosis I was angry. I was angry because I wanted back "my life", "my smile", "my problems" (which now seemed much more bearable), and "my world". I wanted exactly what I had before the diagnosis. Moreover, that same day my dear son had two seizures in a period of 4 hours and recording the details in the seizure log was particularly painful. Then it came as a wave, it came that feeling…and along came my anger.

I've been reading two kinds of books during this season: books of testimonies and books of theology and doctrine. The first ones encourage my faith and the second ones keep me focused. These are excerpts of what I was reading that day:

1) From the book "An Honest Look at a Mysterious Journey" from John & Joanna Stumbo

It is possible to take our grief too far. I appreciated Job’s honesty: “I loathe my very life; therefore I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul” (10:1). Yet, I wondered, Doesn’t there have to be a limit somewhere? I can grieve my loss and vent my frustration, but where is the line that I should not cross? I found it plainly detailed in Job’s story, twice: “In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing” (1:22). “‘Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?’ In all this, Job did not sin in what he said” (2:10). Somehow, in the midst of my honest wrestling and angry emotion, I must learn from Job’s example and stop short of finding fault with God. He is good. He can be trusted . . . even when I don’t understand or appreciate what He is up to.


2) From the book "The Discipline of Grace" by Jerry Bridges

“To preach the gospel to yourself, then, means that you continually face up to your own sinfulness and then flee to Jesus through faith in His shed blood and righteous life.”  You can use the Scripture to preach the gospel to yourself. For example,

“Blessed are those whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord will never count against them” (Romans 4:7-8)

The first reading was obviously related to my feelings that day and it gave me a reason for prayer: "Lord, help me to find that limit. As Job did, I want to stop short of finding fault with you oh Lord”.  Well, this was assuming that it was not too late already.

But the second reading was the answer to this and all my dilemmas. I contemplated the Cross again and once again I concluded that there is no distress, anger, cancer or seizure that can beat the beauty of the Cross. I’m blessed as Romans 4 states because my transgressions are forgiven; my “going too far” moments are not count against me. All this is possible because Christ lived a perfect life in my place, and suffered the Cross (including my illness, loss and pain) without “going too far”, also on my behalf. Christ lived and suffered perfectly. So, although I’m human and imperfect, I can fully rest in Christ’s finished work. Even for those moments when I don’t know how to grieve, the Heavenly Father sees me through Christ and his perfect suffering.

There is hope for those who have taken their grief "too far". There is hope for those who are angry. There is hope for those who do not understand God’s plan. There is hope for those who do not like the process. There is hope for those who are wrestling. There is hope through Christ. There is hope because there is grace.

That night I had a good night’s sleep.

Becky

 

All rights reserved. Rebecca Parrilla April/2015

Translation - And my hair is gone

What can I say? This is like giving birth. You can read books, watch videos and listen what others have to say. But you really don’t know how you'll feel or what your experience will be until you actually live it.

I did not challenge this process of losing my hair. The surgeon and the oncologist warned me that this was a side effect of my chemo regimen. My biggest concern was my 8 years old daughter. For her having cancer and losing the hair meant that something was very very wrong. So we had to explain that it was just the effect of the medicine that was intended to treat the disease.

It's amazing how the hair starts falling out (and I've had some "bad hair days" with chemicals but nothing like this). In late February I had a pre-chemo haircut. Approximately, two weeks after the first treatment, my scalp was very sore and tender. In just a couple of days, big chunks of hair started falling out and I decided to have the “big chop”. What did I feel? I felt relief, because my scalp feels much better since then.

The support of my family has been very important. My mom gave me extra TLC and words of encouragement. My husband is fulfilling very faithfully with that part of the marriage covenant that states "in sickness and in health" (including the fine print at the end specifying baldness and other restrictions). My daughter has made me laugh. She wanted to count every strand of hair falling out. When she learned that the “big chop” was coming she said "Well, as long as your head doesn’t fall out we're good."…fair enough.

When I had the haircut, my 4  years old boy who has special needs and a global developmental delay, looked at me, said his eloquent “bah bah” (he is non-verbal), put his little hands on my face and smiled. There is nothing more sincere than that.

What I’m learning from this part of the process?

1. Greater respect for the way each person handles this situation. Some cry, others fight, others get depressed, and others just take it more lightly. But that does not make us better or worse people, it just makes us humans.

2. Greater consideration by those who face physical changes due to cancer and other chronic diseases.

3. Greater conviction that our value and beauty are not limited to our physical appearance. The people close to our hearts know it well. And the One who loves us the most and gave his life for us, knows it very well.

4. That even hair loss is under the sovereignty of God. "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows" (Luke 12: 6-7 NIV)

Becky

 

©Rebecca Parrilla Copyright 2015